I spoke to soon

I have this stupid superstitious worry about blogging while pregnant. As if typing that I had a successful IVF cycle will tempt fate and bring on bad news. This is probably the reason behind the 3+ months of radio silence on my blog last September 22nd – January 5th.

Well, thanks universe, for reinforcing my stupid superstitions. Today, I woke up bleeding and cramping like the first day of my period. It was like a bad dream. A bad dream that just happened to have occurred on the EXACT FREAKING SAME DAY as last year. Seriously. Last year, at just about 6 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding and cramping out of nowhere. I was convinced I was miscarrying. Instead, the emergency ultrasound revealed a tiny speck of a baby measuring 5w6d and a little flickering heartbeat. Unfortunately 3 weeks and 3 excellent ultrasounds later, we suddenly lost the pregnancy.

Fast forward to today. I am just about 6 weeks pregnant. Bleeding & cramping began out of nowhere. I was convinced I was miscarrying. Then the bleeding slowed down and I started to realize that AT BEST I was going to reenter the same stupid limbo I know so well. Answers? HA. I need a giant poster that says “We have NO FUCKING IDEA.” Unexplained infertility? Check. Unexplained Miscarriage? Check. Unexplained IVF failure? Check. Unexplained Bleeding in Pregnancy? Check.

As I’ve mentioned before, infertility can feel like a decidedly less humorous version of the movie, Groundhog Day. Pregnancy after infertility and miscarriage apparently also follows this rule.  At least this time, I started bleeding at home instead of at work. Other than that, it was like reliving October 14th 2015 all over again.

The same exam room. The same ultrasound results. The doctor saying how excellent the ultrasound looked and telling me not to worry. The call from the nurse with hormone levels that she says are great but that I will continue to nitpick and fret over every day.

I know I should be happy. I know I should be thankful. But I am running out of things to hold onto to convince myself that this pregnancy is different.  The bleed just seems like too much of a coincidence, too strange.

I was almost angry at the doctor for being so enthusiastically positive.  I feel like she was looking at me like, “Hello!?! What is wrong with you? This is amazing news. This is your baby.” And all I felt was frustration and a giant lack of trust.  Everyone told me it was going to be okay last time. And it most definitely wasn’t. Detachment is my only protection. It’s like the doctors are taking away my only armor and leaving me vulnerable to the loss I’m so dreading.

I keep closing myself off and avoiding any emotional connection with this pregnancy. When I started to bleed, I said a little prayer to the universe that if a miscarriage was inevitable, to please let it happen quickly instead of drawing it out over weeks and weeks.

I still have my appointment with the adoption counselor this Saturday. I made the appointment over a month ago and purposely scheduled it a few weeks after my BETA blood draw.  Over the summer, Alex and I decided that this FET would be our last (for now). Adoption has been on the table for a while.  In fact, I’ve been antsy to move on to that new path for months. But, we both agreed on one more FET with a PGS normal embryo. So we did that. And thanks to a series of delays, we transferred in September instead of the summer. Hence the plan to immediately jump on the adoption thing if FET #3 was a bust.

As we all know,  FET #3 wasn’t a bust. But my regular therapist has encouraged me to keep the adoption counselor appointment anyway.  Essentially, the counselor is a 3rd party who specializes in counseling couples through various aspects of the adoption process. She will help us identify agencies or attorneys that will be the best fit for us and get us started on the process. We figured we could at least start the paperwork while waiting for a more definitive outcome for this pregnancy.  This way, If god forbid I did miscarry, I could throw myself immediately into the adoption application process.  You can’t actually complete an application or start a home study if you are pursuing fertility treatments (or pregnant). Most agencies, for obvious reasons, want you to be fully committed and able to adopt before entering the pool. BUT – I strongly feel that even if this pregnancy results in a healthy baby in June, I may very well want to pursue adoption in the future. So, I think it is good to familiarize ourselves with the process regardless.

So, that’s the ridiculous emotional limbo I’m living in right now. I know I am pessimistic about my body’s ability to carry a pregnancy to term. I can’t help it – no one can know until we have a successful pregnancy. My fear is actually pretty normal and rational. BUT – I have complete, unshakeable faith that I will become a mom.  I know that our child is out there somewhere, and we will make our way to her (or him). That is something worthy of hanging my hope on.

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