FET #3 worked – I’m pregnant. I’m shocked and incredibly grateful to have made it this far a second time. I know how lucky I am.
But I’m also scared. Every single day. I’ve been sitting on this news for two weeks now, because even typing it feels like I’m tempting fate. I’ve been here before – pregnant after an FET. And it didn’t end well.
I know this time is different. Every pregnancy is unique, and one loss does not necessarily indicate future problems. But it sure is hard to remind yourself of this when the memories overwhelm you. The timing of this pregnancy is exactly-to-the-freaking-day–identical to my first FET pregnancy: September 22nd transfer, October 1st BETA. Every milestone will align exactly with my first pregnancy. There are certain dates and numbers that are ingrained in my mind: my first bleed at 6 weeks, every HCG & progesterone level from that point forward, and the miscarriage at 9 weeks. The other day, my best friend casually asked me if I knew a due date yet, and I freaked out. I gave her some round-about-answer. Of course I know what my due date would be. It would be exactly the same as it was last year. But I can’t go there yet. I need to stay in the here and now, because I am painfully aware of how uncertain the future can be.
So, before I get too deep into my own anxieties, let’s return to the logical and optimistic version of things.
Today, I’m 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
How did I find out?
I wish I could say I am one of those reasonable, grounded women who wait patiently for their BETAs and resist the magnetic pull of the home pregnancy test. That was my plan – really, it was. After the fiasco that was early testing in FET #2, I swore that we would wait to test. And then we had our embryo transfer and I lost my damn mind.
I got my first, faint BFP at 4dp5dt. I am ashamed of myself. I really am.
If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, then I am nuts. I tested that early during FET#2 and got a whole lot of negatives and heartbreak. But somehow, I rationalized doing it again. For the record, I still think that testing early is a bad idea. It doesn’t really tell you anything in the end, even if you are lucky enough to get a positive.You just don’t know what your HCG level is going to be on BETA day.
So, I got a faint line at 4dp5dt. I retested again at 5 and 6 days post transfer, and the line darkened. At that point I stopped testing and waited the remaining 3 days for my BETA. I was afraid to believe I was actually pregnant. Instead, Alex and I just kind of went “Well, that’s a good sign” and avoided the p-word until we had our BETA results.
Infertility and miscarriage will do that to you. In fact, I think I avoided referring to myself as “pregnant” until we received the results of our second BETA.
BETA Results & Beyond:
BETA #1 at 9dp5dt was 179.
BETA #2 at 11dp5dt was 477.
I know those are great numbers. But that little voice in my head says, you had great doubling times last year. I’ve spent the past week + 2 days trying to stifle that voice. Spoiler alert: I haven’t managed it yet. In fact, yesterday night I convinced myself that I had an ectopic pregnancy (spoiler alert: I don’t).
Today was my first ultrasound at 5 weeks 4 days. We saw the sac and yolk. Everything was right on target. But still, the voice in my head whispered you’ve been here before but it still ended in loss. The doctor filling in for my regular RE this morning was SO NICE. He enthusiastically explained everything (of which there isn’t much at 5w4d) and went out of his way to stress that these were great results. I tried to muster up equal enthusiasm and react like a normal human being, even though inside I’m maintaining cautious detachment and holding my breath until 10 weeks.
I know I am lucky to make it this far. And I will try to focus on the fact that I am pregnant today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have every right to be afraid and even pessimistic. But, today I am pregnant and I am thankful.