Stuck on a Boat

Today is cycle day 1.  First IUI cycle didn’t pan out, but I’m actually doing okay today.  As hard as it is, not testing until my period is actually late seems to be the way to go. Having your period come is still like getting punched in the gut, but your body has  a way of letting you down slower and more gently than a pregnancy test.  I learned a while ago that symptom-spotting for pregnancy is a futile and often torturous endeavor – so many of the “new symptoms” I thought meant something were actually part of a normal menstrual cycle. I had just never paid so much attention to my body before trying to conceive. So, I don’t do the symptom-spotting thing anymore because I learned it drives me crazy. However, I do have a much better sense of my body now than I did 15 months ago.  I’ve become a pro at spotting small physical changes that signal that my period is coming.  Yesterday night (Friday) I just knew that I wasn’t going to make it to my BETA on Monday.

Tonight I’m going out with two of my good friends. One has a young  daughter (born a month after we started trying), and the other is pregnant and due in September.  I’m determined not to let my infertility make me distance myself from my friends, but sometimes it is difficult to navigate friendships when your entire life seems like a minefield of pregnancy announcements and babies. My friends are really great, and supportive, but they also are a constant reminder of what I don’t have. And that’s life – logically, I know that someone else getting pregnant doesn’t make it any more difficult for me to get pregnant later. But it still hurts to see someone have a baby when I am so eager to start a family of my own.

I was watching P.S. I Love You the other day (a little embarrassing to admit, but whatever), and I saw a scene that seems to sum up how I feel sometimes when infertility gets me down:

Hillary Swank’s character is on a trip to Ireland with her friends (or sister? or…I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t watching that carefully).  This trip was planned by her late husband to help her get back on her feet after his death.  Well, this one went a little wrong.  Hillary & Friends get stuck on a boat in the middle of an Irish lake. Suddenly, one friend announces – to everyone’s surprise –  that she is pregnant.  Then the other friend announces that she is getting married.  As the two friends congratulate each other, the camera zooms in on Hillary Swank’s face and you can see that she’s been a little thrown by this info.  She’s happy for her friends, but hearing them announce milestones that she either never got to do (baby!) or may not ever get to do again (wedding), has drudged up a lot of sadness and confusion for her. The camera pans out and we realize she’s still stuck on that boat in the middle of the lake, with no way to make a graceful exit. So she just slaps on a smile and pushes down the angst.

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck on that boat.

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